When someone sees an elderly couple in public, they may think to themselves how they managed to stay together for so many years. How does a relationship like that thrive for so long? What did they do that many couples fail to do? In many healthy relationships, they have a foundation of shared values to thank for their marriage success. Many of these common values include communication, togetherness, and commitment as mentioned in Katelyn Carmen’s article, “85 Beautiful Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Forever”. It takes the effort of both parties in a marriage to keep the connection strong; you have to work hard to achieve several other ambitions in life, so why is maintaining a healthy relationship any different?
But what is it that makes a relationship fall apart? Is there something that slowly breaks it apart from the inside out, or is it something that dooms it from the start? The factors that hurt a marriage or other relationship differ from couple to couple. However, just like there are common values that keep a companionship strong, there are common red flags that can destroy it as well. |
As previously mentioned, a healthy relationship involves both sides making an equal effort to allow it to grow and survive. When either party fails to hold up “their end” of the relationship, or one tries to overtake more in the relationship, they may begin to grow apart. The play, “A Doll House” by Henrick Ibsen takes an interesting look at a married relationship. Though the relationship between the two main roles-- Thorvald Helmer and his wife Nora--is not the main focus of the story, it is arguably an important piece of the plot. Helmer and Nora’s marriage is an example of a relationship that doesn’t work. It has been broken to the point where saving it was not an option. So what made their relationship go south, and what can we learn from it?
1. Don't try to dominate
The first big problem with their relationship is the clear struggle for power. The husband takes on the more dominating role in the marriage which is made obvious by the way he belittles Nora. He gives her petty nicknames such as “little wastrel” and “squirrel” (Ibsen, 2) as if she were a child; Helmer also typically couples these pet-names with “my”, such as “my little lark” (43) which shows he thinks of her as a possession. Though these nicknames can normally be used as a form of admiration or endearment, Helmer’s use of these words tend to degrade Nora and give him the controlling role.
He lectures her as a father-figure would, telling her “playtime is over; it’s time for growing up” (57) and tends to command her to do things. Though Helmer does deeply care for Nora and forgives her for lying to him (55), his dominance in the relation is that “nothing has become of [Nora]” (57) and is why she decides to leave him in the end--giving her a chance to grow as a person.
Do not try to take a dominating role in a relationship.
He lectures her as a father-figure would, telling her “playtime is over; it’s time for growing up” (57) and tends to command her to do things. Though Helmer does deeply care for Nora and forgives her for lying to him (55), his dominance in the relation is that “nothing has become of [Nora]” (57) and is why she decides to leave him in the end--giving her a chance to grow as a person.
Do not try to take a dominating role in a relationship.
2. Don’t Keep Secrets
Nora isn’t an innocent party in the relationship however; she still has flaws in the marriage. She frequently keeps things from her husband and lies. Though initially she only lies about not eating macaroons (4), her secret-keeping becomes a much larger problem than anticipated. One of the main conflicts in the play is that Nora forged a signature in order to borrow a large sum of money from Krogstad--a lawyer who works for the Helmer family--to help her ill husband (20). This of course is pretty illegal. Nora continues to keep this secret to herself throughout the play until the turning point where Helmer finds out. This leads to a long fight of pointing accusations back and forth while Helmer claims to be deceived and that his “whole future” was “destroyed” (54).
Don’t lie or keep things from your significant other.
Don’t lie or keep things from your significant other.
3. Communication
A situation similar to Helmer and Nora’s can also be seen in Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s The Yellow Wallpaper. In the short story, a woman lives with her physician husband, John. The woman (let’s call her Jane) believes she is mentally ill, while her husband does not (Gilman, 1). The main conflict in the story is Jane’s drive into madness from the neglect of her husband and a really ugly yellow wallpaper.
Not only did John degrade his wife similarly to Helmer by calling her a “little girl” (5), he also tends to not communicate with her either. He doesn’t believe her when she says she’s sick (1) and tends to not take her seriously in general. He tends to isolate her both physically and socially. This was a big factor of what caused Jane’s descent into insanity. The entirety of the story plus out like Jane is writing in a journal since she really has no one else to understand what she is going through.
Similarly, Helmer and Nora may have been able to avoid splitting if they had just communicated. If Nora discussed the forgery with Helmer instead of holding onto it, they could have worked together to think of a way to fix the situation.
Communication is key!
Not only did John degrade his wife similarly to Helmer by calling her a “little girl” (5), he also tends to not communicate with her either. He doesn’t believe her when she says she’s sick (1) and tends to not take her seriously in general. He tends to isolate her both physically and socially. This was a big factor of what caused Jane’s descent into insanity. The entirety of the story plus out like Jane is writing in a journal since she really has no one else to understand what she is going through.
Similarly, Helmer and Nora may have been able to avoid splitting if they had just communicated. If Nora discussed the forgery with Helmer instead of holding onto it, they could have worked together to think of a way to fix the situation.
Communication is key!
In both marriage examples from “A Doll’s House” and The Yellow Wall Paper, both halves of the relationship never came together to overcome their challenges. Instead, they became separated do to isolation from each other.
When both sides of a relationship can’t make the effort to work together, a relationship can easily fall apart. Sometimes it’s not too late to help salvage a relationship, but it will take a lot of work, if both of you are ready to.
When both sides of a relationship can’t make the effort to work together, a relationship can easily fall apart. Sometimes it’s not too late to help salvage a relationship, but it will take a lot of work, if both of you are ready to.
Works Cited
“The Best Of Me.” Love Letter Daily, 10 Oct. 2012, loveletterdaily.com/2012/10/10/the-best-of-me/.
Carmen, Katelyn. “85 Beautiful Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Forever.” FamilyShare – Discover How to Improve Your Family Life and More, familyshare.com/22396/85-beautiful-ways-to-make-your-marriage-last-forever.
Coleman, Ashley. “The 8 Most Overlooked Reasons Why Marriages Fail.” Amp.essence.com, ESSENCE, 11 May 2017, amp.essence.com/love-sex/relationships/most-overlooked-reasons-marriages-fail.
“The Divorce.” The Odyssey Online, 27 Aug. 2017, www.theodysseyonline.com/it-started-with-simple-hello-yet-ended-with-complicated-goodbye.